Impending Sartorial Misadventures
or “A Timeline of a Non-Optimal Sunday”
6:15am: Arrive home on the first train back from London, somewhat the worse for wear.
9:35am: Awoken by the sound of the apocalypse. Quickly asses that poor sleep-deprived and dehydrated brain cannot cope and curl up into foetal position, wrapping head in surplus duvet and pillows. Await death.
9:45am: Accept that apocalypse is proceeding more slowly than anticipated and crawl out of cocoon, hoping for fiery light show to accompany end of world. Assaulted and abused synapses take this opportunity to note that noise has resolved somewhat. Now identifiable as various metallic scrapings, hammerings, screechings and cursings.
9:46am: Bravely step out into The Hallway of the Apocalypse, to be presented with scene of landlord brandishing hammer and muttering invectives over eviscerated remains of washing machine. Peer beyond grisly tableaux to see suspiciously damp kitchen floor.
9:47am: Converse with landlord and confirm that fiery end of civilisation is not currently in progress. Shake head in vague disappointment.
9:50am: Have disturbing moment as strangely domesticated part of lizard brain insists on stocktaking of wardrobe. Brief search reveals two (2) clean T-shirts and one (1) debatably clean-enough pair of jeans. Lizard brain also informs that due to the “Sunday” nature of the day, laundrettes are not a viable option. Lizard brain gleefully informs now-awakening human brain that rest of week will be spent wearing clothes from Special Drawer(tm)*
9:52am: Human brain engages emergency survival mode and places user back into comatose state until mid-afternoon.
* Special Drawer(tm) is a concept known to most single males, and consists solely of clothing too awful to be considered for use under normal circumstances but not awful enough to be discarded.
Illustrative examples:
-
T-shirt with well-liked “wireframe cassette-tape” design, rendered unwearable due to the combination of its bright yellow colour and the wearer’s sickly white pallor making it appear that the wearer has liver disease.
Grey “Fable team” polo-neck, size XXL, making wearer (size M) appear to be imitating a mizzen staysail.
Green sweatshirt spattered with various brightly-coloured paints. Wearable only if attending concert by Happy Mondays or Stone Roses circa 1991.